Friendship

The lessons learned in relating to siblings find immediate application in making and keeping friends. Friendship is the natural extension of sibling love.

Strong friendships are built on an emotional connection of empathy and shared experiences, but friendship also has an ethical component: the good friend is honest, faithful, and true and always seeks to benefit his friends, while the bad friend uses his friends for his own benefit.

The scriptures admonish people to choose their friends carefully, lest they be misled or find themselves abandoned in times of adversity.

True Friends and False Friends

Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15.13

And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends one of another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and pay the poor-due, and they obey God and His messenger. Qur’an 9.71

The gentleman, by his culture, collects friends about him, and through these friends promotes goodness. Analects 12.24 (Confucianism)

I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.4 2 Samuel 1:26

The dog says, “If you fall down, and I fall down, the play will be enjoyable.”5 Nupe Proverb (African Traditional Religions)

It is because one antelope will blow the dust from the other’s eye that two antelopes walk together.6 Akan Proverb (African Traditional Religions)

Fellowship with Men: Men bound in fellowship first weep and lament, But afterward they laugh. The Master said, “Life leads the thoughtful man on a path of many windings. Now the course is checked, now it runs straight again. Here winged thoughts may pour freely forth in words, There the heavy burden of knowledge must be shut away in silence. But when two people are at one in their inmost hearts, They shatter even the strength of iron or of bronze. And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, Their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.” I Ching, Great Commentary 1.8.6 (Confucianism)

There are three sorts of friend that are profitable, and three sorts that are harmful. Friendship with the upright, with the true-to-death, and with those who have heard much is profitable. Friendship with the obsequious, friendship with those who are good at accommodating their principles, and friendship with those who are clever at talk is harmful. Analects 16.4 (Confucianism)

The friend who always seeks his benefit, The friend whose words are other than his deeds, The friend who flatters just to make you pleased, The friend who keeps you company in wrong, These four the wise regard as enemies: Shun them from afar as paths of danger. The friend who is a helper all the time, The friend in happiness and sorrow both, The friend who gives advice that’s always good, The friend who has full sympathy with you, These four the wise see as good-hearted friends And with devotion cherish such as these As does a mother cherish her own child. Digha Nikaya 3.187, Sigalovada Sutta (Buddhism)

Only few people act in our interest in our absence, When we are not around. But in our presence, every Dick and Harry, slaves and freeborn, Display their love for us. Yoruba Verse (African Traditional Religions)

Teachings of Sun Myung Moon
Do you have a best friend, someone with whom you have an unbreakable bond? Someone you treasure more than anyone else in the world, including your wife? A relationship with a best friend cannot be broken by an angry word or a day’s quarrel. You cannot abandon him even at the risk of your life. You do not feel this way about your friend out of sympathy, but because you are connected from the bottom of your heart, which is the source of goodness. A relationship that is connected to the goodness in your original mind can never be broken. (42:218, March 14, 1971)

Who is a true friend? A true friend lives for her friends; she does not regard her friends as existing for her benefit. Suppose among ten friends, one of them lived his or her life for the sake of the other nine. If you ask them, “Who is your best friend?” they will all pick the friend who lived for the others. (70:72, February 8, 1974)

As we cultivate our relationship with another person—a friend or family member—over time we connect a part of our life to that person’s life and also connect emotionally. What may have begun as a professional or formal relationship expands to fill more aspects of our life. Our friend’s presence grows ever larger in our heart, and in time he or she becomes someone whom we cannot live without. (59:296, July 30, 1972)

Happy is the man who has friends who commiserate with his mishaps and sorrows. Happy is the man who, when he is in pain, has friends or children who are willing to take any pains and even risk their lives on his behalf. (150:196, February 15, 1961)

When you visit an acquaintance whose face you barely know, you do not feel at ease; instead, you feel awkward. But when you visit a friend to whom you have strong emotional ties, you feel at ease. You feel free to interfere in your friend’s affairs, and your friend can step into your personal life as well. A strong friendship is bound with ties of emotional affection. Friends can cope with any external difficulty on the strength of their bond of heart. (33:133, August 11, 1970)

If you want to be someone’s best friend, you should understand his agony and suffering and comfort him in his misfortune. If you have a relationship with him through heart and love, you will move him, and he will move you. (7:306, October 11, 1959)

Wisdom in Choosing Friends

Associate not with evil friends, associate not with dishonorable people; Associate with good friends, associate with noble people. Dhammapada 78 (Buddhism)

Bad company ruins good morals. 1 Corinthians 15.33

What is attached to the defiled will be defiled; and what is attached to the pure will be pure. Mishnah, Kelim 12.2 (Judaism)

Those that are good, seek for friends; that will help you to practice virtue with body and soul. Those that are wicked, keep at a distance; it will prevent evil from approaching you. Tract of the Quiet Way (Taoism)

Sit in the assembly of the honest; join with those that are good and virtuous; nay, seek out a noble enemy where enmity cannot be helped and have nothing to do with the wicked and the unrighteous. Even in bondage you should live with the virtuous, the erudite, and the truthful; but not for a kingdom should you stay with the wicked and the malicious. Garuda Purana 112 (Hinduism)

As the man one makes his friend, As the one he follows, Such does he himself become; he is like unto his mate. Follower and following, toucher and touched alike, As a shaft with poison is smeared, poisons all the bunch unsmeared, Both are fouled. A man inspired In the fear of being soiled should not keep company with rogues. Itivuttaka 68 (Buddhism)

It is by dealing with a man that his virtue is to be known, and that too after a long time; not by one who gives it a passing thought or no thought at all; by a wise man, not by a fool. It is by association that a man’s integrity is to be known… It is in times of trouble that his fortitude is to be known… It is by conversing with him, that a man’s wisdom is to be known, and that too after a long time; not by one who gives it a passing thought or no thought at all; by a wise man, not by a fool. Udana 65-66 (Buddhism)

When you gain a friend, gain him through testing, and do not trust him hastily. For there is a friend who is such at his own convenience but will not stand by you in your day of trouble. And there is a friend who changes into an enemy and will disclose a quarrel to your disgrace. And there is a friend who is a table companion but will not stand by you in your day of trouble. In your prosperity he will make himself your equal and be bold with your servants, but if you are brought low he will turn against you, and will hide himself from your presence. A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter: he that has found one has found a treasure. There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend, and no scales can measure his excellence. A faithful friend is an elixir of life; and those who fear the Lord will find him. Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship aright, for as he is, so is his neighbor also. Sirach 6.7-17 (Christianity)

Teachings of Sun Myung Moon
Keeping company with bad friends can ruin your entire life. Therefore, from ancient times people have been taught to be careful in selecting friends. This wisdom applies across the ages and countries of the world. No one finds it easy to be considerate of others when he finds himself in a difficult circumstance. This is common to everyone.

When people are in bad straits, and to avoid more suffering, they may take advantage of their friends. Catching their friends unawares, they may deceive them and use them, to their hurt. Considered in this light, who on earth can you trust? It is difficult to find a friend with genuine integrity, on whom you can rely.

Although you believe a person to be your good friend, he might step on you and take advantage of you if his circumstances press on him. For this reason, selecting your close friends, and choosing who to build a good relationship with, is a most difficult question. (91:29-30, January 2, 1977)

When you make a friend, is he someone who works and aspires for a better future?

Or does he live only for today, without any ambition? Friends who lack ambition will cause you to decline as time goes by. Therefore, make relationships with better friends in order to build up your future. (32:14, June 14, 1970)

Do any of you want a friend who is strongly inclined to self-indulgence? Is a friend who always cares about only him or herself a good friend or a bad friend? Why bad? That kind of person sows divisions and discord. He separates his friends from their families, clans, and networks of relationships.

That kind of person blocks relationships, just like a pulling down a window shade blocks the view out of a window. You should clearly understand why such a friend is bad. Evil connects with self-indulgence… You want a good friend, right? You do not want bad friends, do you? Is a friend who says, “Skip your meal and forget about school! Come out and play!” a good friend?

Rather, a good friend would feed you if you did not eat at mealtime, and a good friend would encourage you to go to school even if you do not want to go. That is a good friend; he is in every way the opposite of a bad friend. Here we distinguish the good from the evil. (36:69, November 15, 1970)

Analyze each of your friends—one friend is like this and another is like that. Study and compare your friends of different types. Is this one calm, or arrogant, or strong, or indecisive?

Select three or four of them and verify whether your judgment of them was correct. (54:177, March 24, 1972)